nut hugger
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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