haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
