apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
That was before I lit my hair on fire
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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