That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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