It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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