it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
