And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
