maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
