His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
