Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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