i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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