When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
