On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
