I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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