well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
