I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
