I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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