But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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