A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
