Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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