Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
