I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
