So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
