How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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