I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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