alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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