How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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