I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
