My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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