Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
