I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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