So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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