so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
