I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
