I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
