genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
