We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
