I will die if light touches me.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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