I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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