final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
