this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
