I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
