The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize