I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I AM VODKA MAN
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
