I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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