he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did I show you my penis last night?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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