My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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