Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So here I am, sexting at work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
