and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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