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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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