I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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