Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
