i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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