sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
