K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
