You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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