Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
