then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
