If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
