I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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