I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
