my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
