So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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