well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
