So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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