did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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