Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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